PERRYGRAPHS

Baylor's Scandal

Riffing on Sports Ethics

This is turning out very different from where I intended it to go. I envisioned an academic column from my philosophy background discussing ethics – you know, hedonism, utilitarianism, authority, manipulative, even motives. Well some of that is in here, but the piece is much more rambling and personal than I expected. Some preaching sneaked in too. So here are my thoughts, still very much under development.

My fellow alumni and I were recently brought up short by the firing of our much-praised football coach Art Briles. The President was also demoted to Chancellor (he later resigned that position) and Professor because of his involvement in cover-ups of multiple rapes by several football players and others on campus. I immediately thought of Penn State's beloved Joe Paterno, who was also caught in a cover-up that enabled an assistant to continue to molest boys. Then my mind ran back 10-15 years to an even worse case where a basketball player murdered another at Baylor. Then I thought of multiple offenses at LSU in my home state, where it seemed every year, players were violating curfew, getting drunk in bars, and being arrested for assault. Something similar happened to two Alabama players in the off-season in nearby Monroe, LA last month. And rightly or wrongly, I remembered years past when Florida State footballers were in constant trouble with the law while Bobby Bowden was making the Christian tour circuit. Football is a violent sport, and some players won't leave the violence on the field.

With my major in philosophy and continued interest in the subject, several new wrinkles in ethics came to mind. By new wrinkles, I mean current real life problems that you don't find as such in academic ethics. Here are the issues I've considered so far.

Cover-up has risen to be the almost unforgivable sin. Richard Nixon fell because of his cover-up, not because of his authorization of the break-in at the Watergate. No one said (publicly at least) that Paterno or the school could have prevented the earlier molestations by the coach. But they do feel that when the wrongs first came to light, immediate and strong action should have been taken so no one else was hurt. Likewise at Baylor, the problem was the lack of immediate and decisive response to the young women when they first reported the rape. Just last night I found a news article about a very good running back named Chafin who had physically beaten his girl friend on three occasions. She took pictures and eventually reported it. The coaches did nothing until the police arrested him. I'm not sure why they are so slow to respond. After all, the football program regularly suspends participation by athletes for “violation of team rules,” so halting participation after an accusation of rape should be a no-brainer.

Note from the academic ethics point of view, rape and child molestation are assumed to be wrong, sins if you're religious, felonies in any case. Motivation here is the “pleasure” of the perpetrator, a selfish form of hedonism. From the psychological point of view, most abusers were themselves abused. Still, these are college students, trained athletes who cannot succeed without discipline within their sport. They DO have the ability to follow rules – the team rules, practice rules, and the on-field rules that result in penalties if you break them. Shouldn't they be held accountable for rape and violence as quickly and decisively as a referee throws a flag for chop-blocking?

Much more serious is the macho male defense that the victims are not really victims, but invited the attack by their dress or being available. After all, what should a coed expect if she's drunk at a fraternity party after midnight in a mini-skirt and low necked blouse? (At Baylor a frat president drugged a girl at a party, took her outside the building to a quiet place, and raped her.) The correct answer is she should expect to be treated with respect as a human being. Even in our over-sexed society, adult informed consent is expected. Indeed, the on-campus discussion has moved on into how explicit the consent needs to be. A number of people now take the position that the girl must say explicitly that she wants intercourse before the couple proceeds. Others assume that positive participation will suffice. It's a little ridiculous to say one must now pause and get a notarized document before continuing. On the other hand, how does a gal prove she said (and kept saying ) NO?

But there remains, IMHO, some traction in the drunk past midnight accusation, just not limited to women. The most common violation I hear about is drunken football players outside bars at midnight-thirty. During season, this violates curfew, but often gets them arrested on public drunkenness, fighting, or assault. I've known coaches with no toleration for this, and they immediately suspend the player or kick them off the team if the offense is serious enough.

City councils, county supervisors (Police Jury in LA), with police and sheriffs should not tolerate this behavior. They need ways to shut down bars that serve already drunken customers and probably need to back up the closing time an hour or more. Actually they do have ways, but seldom use them. I did not over in Monroe a neighborhood bar has been shut down under protest for a year or so, because they were always too boisterous for what the residents thought should be a quiet neighborhood. No one is up to any good carousing after midnight, or at least 1:00 a.m if they work the late shift.

That said, there is evidence that too many men in college administration still have an almost Islamic attitude toward rape. If a woman is raped, it's her fault. To the contrary, an accusation of rape should be taken seriously at once. If an athlete is accused, he should be suspended immediately until an investigation results in a finding of guilt or innocence. If innocent, of course, he will be re-instated. If guilty, he should be off the team with the information passed on to any other team looking for a reference. Law enforcement should be notified. School and team policy should be clear and automatic. Players should be made aware at the beginning of every season. Colleges must also not rush to judgment. Remember the Lacrosse team falsely accused after a national scandal?

The firing of Briles and Paterno raise another question. In American culture we always seek someone to blame. If something goes wrong, we want heads to roll. But how much can we expect a head coach or athletic director to know about the everyday life on campus and in the town? Apparently, the contemporary answer is “almost everything.” Briles has held out players for whole games or the first quarter for “violating team rules.” That includes even star players. I follow Baylor football very closely and had never heard of two of those accused. (One of them, however, had been in trouble at another college that said they communicated the information in the transfer letter. Baylor athletics denied they knew.) The third was an all-American even casual followers are likely to know. The new one I found last night was a frequent player. I await the publication of the full report to see what Briles knew and when he knew it. [Read the report recently, but it's not explicit at that point. Some of the report was done orally and the information may have come there.]

Colleges in general are reluctant to publicize rapes. I've lived between two LA Tech campuses for 17 years and read the local paper daily. I almost never read a story of rape, even date rape. With around 12,000 young adults in that community, what are the odds of even a month passing without reluctant sex? When you add in several thousand colleges across the country with 300 – 40,000 students in each, I wonder how much rape, near rape, date rape goes on we never hear about. Law enforcement suggests at least two or three times the reported amount.

The investigative report indicated that Baylor had not followed procedures outline in Title Nine regulations. When they first came out, they made a big splash for requiring equal sports opportunities for women. As a result colleges have added or strengthened various sports. What I didn't realize until I read the report is that the Title also deals with setting up a system to deal with problems like this, and even prevent them. It's encouraging that Jim Grobe, the new interim head coach, spent seven years on the NCAA ethics committee, some years as chairman.

So far, here are the ethical issues we've looked at:

Rape

Response to rape reports

Cover-ups

Consent to have sex

Community pressure

Conflict of values: sports, negative publicity, and justice

Can you imagine the pressure on the head coaches when they first get a report of a rape (or other felony). The guy is employed to build a team and win games. Ideally we talk about his role as a teacher, role model, and developer of character, yet we've all known coaches who were outstanding in those areas, but got sacked because their teams were not winning.

No coach wants scandal. No coach wants to believe his players would commit a felony. Remember, some of these guys are becoming friends with a coach after several years. You want to stand up for your friends. At LSU the starting quarterback was drunk and disorderly, and as I recall attacking or defending himself with a knife. Do you want to kick your headliner off the field?

My guess is that coaches need to expand existing systems to include felonies. Nearly every coach has a published rule book with penalties listed. Sneak out after curfew and you don't play the first quarter this week. Do it twice, a second quarter, etc. Miss practice or be late, and the penalty awaits. I believe at the beginning of the year and in the handbook, the head coach and athletic director should clearly state that an arrest or serious suspicion of a felony will result in immediate suspension until the issue is resolved. If guilty, you're off the team. Period. So the coach does not have to decide as the issues come up. The act has consequences – every time, every person.

In fact, after reading the law firm's report of their investigation, I find they believe the problem was systemic. They blame the leaders for a sloppy system with untrained people and lackadaisical response. Although they interviewed victims and dozens of others, at least on paper they did not commit to describing particular incidents. Their claim was upper level administrators (read Briles and Starr) were responsible for the existing system and culture. Their many recommendations all added up to strengthen the system and take each reported rape seriously.

They also report a culture favoring football players. Of course, this is endemic everywhere and includes most athletes. Who has not thought athletes get graded less severely, perhaps have failing grades boosted to passing or better? Here we transition to values.

The chief stress here is the pull between athletic success and the primary mission of the school, which must be education. In conflict, the tension between the two must always result in academics winning. Still, it must be said that athletics raise the awareness to the general public and undoubtedly attracts students to the academic side. I remember at 10 years old in Dallas I idolized Bobby Layne, then a nearby high school star and seriously wanted to go to the University of Texas as he did. When I surrendered to the Baptist ministry, I went to Baylor instead and considered the Longhorns mortal enemies. We had serious discussions as to how Texas and the Aggies could play each other and both lose!

On the other hand Baylor made known in its alumni publications that the donations to academic chairs, scholarships, and the like equaled that dedicated in recent years to the new football stadium. Personally I get upset at the discussions that arise every year over paying football players at the college level. I now smile at my naivete a few years ago when I was proposing a scholars athletic conference similar to the Ivy League because some quality academic colleges were playing sports at only mediocre levels. I thought Baylor might join SMU, TCU, Stanford, Tulane, Vanderbilt, and Rice in a more balanced conference. Then the Bears, Horned Frogs, Cardinal all moved into the top 10-20 rankings, and the rest showed signs of significant improvement.

I've written way too much for a one time blog, but then it's not a one-timer. I plan to continue looking at this and related material in future posts. Meantime, if you're a sucker for punishment, here's an excellent article on rape reports at colleges.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/grade-point/wp/2016/06/07/these-colleges-have-the-most-reports-of-rape/

Faith in the Dark

Note that I am re-purposing this blog for religion based blogging. You may get a jar if you keep reading after this post. You've been warned!

 You can send comments or questions to perrylassiter@yahoo.com.

FAITH IN THE DARK

Life is difficult.


But as soon as we accept that difficulty, life is no longer as difficult.


We keep expecting to turn a corner and find peace, but it's more like we fled from a lion only to meet a bear. For those who are into sports, there's always another game and another season. For most wives there's always another meal to cook, clothes to wash, and beds to make. Life throws up one problem or difficulty after another. We all know “This wasn't supposed to happen to ME” feeling. Sorry friend, but yeah – something of the sort happens to everybody. And when you accept that only occasionally do you get to call time out and float in peace on a calm lake, life gets better.


I have just quoted, paraphrased, and amplified the first two pagers of The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck. It's an older book, but I strongly recommend it, especially the first two pages that are worth the price of the book. (You may even be able to read those pages free on Amazon by clicking on the book picture and arrow that says “Look Inside.”)


Shelli asked me to deal with ways to fight life, darkness, doubt and somehow hang onto your faith. You know there are volumes written on that right? But fools rush in and so do I. Here's a summary of where I think I'm headed:


1 – Recognize you will always find trouble in life. Everyone does.
2 – It's okay to get upset and want to rebel. Bible heroes did.
3 – Remember what He has carried you through thus far.
4 – Find a safe person who will keep their mouth shut and talk about it .
5 – Take a look at some of the resources I will suggest.


It's OK to argue with God.


Yes, I know you have been taught otherwise. But the great saints of the faith are recorded arguing with the Lord to the point of sarcasm.


Moses – In Exodus 3 God comes to the shepherd in a burning bush, sounding excited about liberating his people. Moses throws up excuse after excuse which the Lord keeps swatting down. Finally Moses sarcastically points out that he was a stutterer and that hasn't changed since God started speaking to him fifteen minutes ago. God did start to sound peeved, but He didn't throw Moses away. He continued to work with him and created a great leader and deliverer.


Elijah – After that great prophet called down fire from heaven and executed all the prophets of Baal, he announced the coming of rain. But Queen Jezebel owned those prophets and sent Elijah a telegram to get out of town by sundown or his head would roll. This formerly bold prophet broke and ran for his life, not stopping until he fell exhausted. When God caught up with him and asked what he was doing there, he POUTED! “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm going to go eat worms.” Well, not really, but it might as well have been. “I've been faithful to you and done all you called me to do, now I'm the only one left, and they're trying to kill me.” Note that God did not chide him or discard him. He gave him food and let him rest. Then He gave Elijah a fresh experience of Himself and a fresh vision of his calling.


Job – If you've read the book, you recognize that the “patience of Job” is not true. It's a New Testament translation in the KJV that would be better expressed by the word “endurance.” He did endure and persevere, but he wasn't patient about it. He screamed at God repeatedly. Why did this happen to me? Show me my sin if I'm being punished for something. Kill me, and get me out of this misery. Vindicate me to my accusers and show them I'm innocent. The reader knows this was a test, but Job and his accusers never did. Indeed, the book was probably written to show that bad things do happen to good people. One explanation – the test – disproves the whole system that bad fortune was always payment for sin. But Job yells at God, begs Him, and doesn't let go until the Lord reveals Himself.


Note: All three of these guys argued with God and did not like their situation at all. Therefore we can argue with that same God and pour out before Him our complaints at what life is bringing us. No fear He will reject us. Rather dumping that emotion can free our minds to hear His direction.


Turning to a more positive direction, let's take a look at Paul in 2 Corinthians 11:


23 Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. 24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. 27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 28 Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.

When I read this, I wonder why I am griping. But often we do hurt, so what do we do about it? remember Paul has also been through almost unendurable circumstances. Let's look at some of how he handled it in Philippians 4:

...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Note Paul says “I have learned...” He learned. He learned from experience over time, not given it along with his salvation and mission. How did he learn? Look back at 2 Corinthians 11. I wonder how many times Paul doubted and wondered whether he was in the right place. Did you see the sleepless nights and sometimes lack of food? From where he stood years later (probably under house arrest in Rome, or maybe in Ephesus). He now looks back and sees that God brought him through, so Paul can now say he is ready for anything in Christ.

We like to quote “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” We quote it as a positive in tackling a task. It was written more for your situation as you hurt. It is as if Paul said, “I have learned the hard way that I can get through anything as long as I hang onto Christ.”

Paul fought his way through all this triumphantly, as have thousands of others. And so can you. If thousands of others have fought through trial and come out in triumph, so can you. It may take awhile, and you may feel as if you got through by the skin of your teeth, but you will get through.

Remember what you have already come through.

What have you already come through? You are close to an impossibility in your conception and birth. There is no one else like you. You are a miracle. You made it into this world at birth, and have come through multiple sicknesses, allergies, falls, and perhaps surgeries. You got through schools, got married, had kids. You have lost family and friends along the way. And you're still going. How many times along the way has God helped you and carried you through?

Remembering all of that as Paul did can call forth your faith. God has been with you all your life. Why would He stop now?

Share you experiences with someone.

I love the following that I have seen ascribed to several different people.

O the comfort, the inexpressible comfort

of feeling safe with a person,

having neither to weigh thoughts, nor measure words,

but pouring them all out

wheat and chaff together,

certain that a faithful hand will sift them,

keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness

blow the rest away.

This means choosing the right person, sometimes a trained professional counselor. Many times it means talking to a close friend who can keep their mouth shut. Someone you feel safe with – and are safe. Talking it out can break up the viciously spiraling thoughts spinning through your head. Instead of whirling around in one continuous circle, over time your emotions begin to back down and your thoughts open out to new ways of dealing with life. The feeling of acceptance and companionship can lessen the pain and replace it with love.

Theological questions

Shelli wrote me the following that kicked all this off:

Not long ago in our Sunday School class we discuss these following quotes from our lesson: "found it easier to believe their doubts and fears" and "held captive by the things we expect to happen to the point that we close our minds to any contrary evidence". I left wanting to hear more about these thoughts.

In response to a question she spoke of a relative's divorce and someone's friend who had cancer in her close family. Beneath this I hear them asking where is God in all this. How can I continue to trust Him with all this chaos breaking into my world?

Dorothy Sayers wrote a remarkable book called Creed or Chaos. In it she points out that if God is indeed guilty of allowing our troubles, “he at least had the courage to take his own medicine.” She meant He allowed His Son Jesus to die on the cross. Even before that, Jesus lived a complete human life in a third world country occupied by foreigners. Almost certainly his father Joseph died, and it's likely he lost other siblings in the typical family until the day of modern medicine of the last hundred years.

Many turn to this verse, Romans 8:28 for assurance.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Footnotes:

1. Romans 8:28 Or that all things work together for good to those who love God, who; or that in all things God works together with those who love him to bring about what is good—with those who
   

I include the note, because the Greek is ambiguous, and the last choice is my preferred choice. Paul is not saying that everything that happens is good. Obviously that's not true. It's obviously not true that everything always turns out for the best. For example, the world would be much better had the Holocaust never happened, had Hitler and Stalin and Saddam Hussein never risen to power. But Paul does say that nothing so bad can happen that God cannot re-shape it by His creative power for Good to emerge triumphant - good as defined by God. The supreme example is the Cross. By Christian theology no sin can be greater than the Crucifixion. Killing the Son of God. Essentially, saying God, get out of my life. I don't want you messing with me. I'd rather kill you than obey you - or even let you love and forgive me.

But God took that sin and transformed it through the resurrection into the greatest act in history – the salvation of the entire world! If God can do that, He can deal with my life and yours. He can take those tragedies, and over time transform them into many good things.

NOW SOME PRACTICAL ADVICE

Give it time. Time helps in healing.

Socialize your pain by talking with someone with whom you share mutual love and trust.

Talk to God about it. Read the above and recognize you don't have to play nice with Him. He's big enough to take it without striking you down.

>Make sure your pain doesn't mess up other people in your daily life. You must take care of your children and your spouse – or find someone else to do it while you take a break.

Exercise helps a lot of people, especially walking or jogging.

Get adequate sleep – maybe an extra hour.

NEWS FLASH

Read a column by a young nun based in Philadelphia, Colleen Gibson. She is writing about her experiences during Holy Week and along the way makes these observations that seem to me to fit in here:

“Faith is what we carry with us through the darkness; it burns brightly when we cannot see.”

She shares a special problem of hers this Holy Week: the desire to repeat the comfortable experience God gave her in prior years. Catholic or whatever, don't we all sometimes seek that and are disappointed when it does not come? Especially in darkness we wonder whether the light will ever shine for us again. Listen again to Sister Colleen:

“Nothing was as I expected or desired. I wanted what I already had and I realized, as the days rolled on, that was exactly what I wasn't going to get. This [Easter] would be different.

Then she quotes Raymond Carver “written as he teetered on the edge of death:

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved,
to feel myself
beloved in the earth.”
“God seemed to be inviting me beyond the constraints of my own knowing, beyond the bounds of the four walls of the church. All I needed to do was be free enough to receive the grace being given – to relinquish control and let God, in God's time, lead me through the mystery of these days.”

Can you see how this transfers to those times we walk in darkness and wonder how and why we can still believe? God can use those experience – awful as they are and not changing their awfulness – when tragedy and sorrow thrust us outside the box that has become out comfort zone. He can orient us out of our disorientation, and bring creation from our chaos.

Sister Gibson even puts in an a specific reference to the resurrection, which relates directly to the lesson and quotes that called forth Shelli's questions.

“I wonder how the disciples processed all that was going on. … that first morning when they arrived at the tomb, what did they believe? That the body had been taken or that Jesus had risen? What they faced was the unknown, the unbelievable transformed by belief.

That transformation is made by grace, one small movement at a time.”

AND A FACEBOOK FRIEND, WHOSE FAMILY I USED TO PASTOR made a comment about a loss in her community. I wrote he and sent her a copy of about half of this in first draft stage. Here is her reply:

This loss while sad, doesn't hit near as close to home as Colin's passing. He was 18, a friend of my son, Justin's, and I shot his senior portraits. We were just acquaintances with his mom and dad....they'd invited us to their church several times...we knew they went to a large church, and wasn't really interested in being part of a large church at the time. Colin was their youth music minister...he was headed to college to become a music minister as his vocation. The summer after graduation, he went away with 5 of his closest friends. It was a "guy" senior trip. They went to the lake...there was a small island across the lake and all of the boys decided to make the swim...of course the island seemed closer than what it actually was to them. They all made it to the island fine, but they had to swim back to shore. After a long rest, they set out....only this time, the waves were coming against them and there was a great deal of wind. Two of the boys started to fall behind - they were getting sick while they were swimming because they were taking on water. Colin noticed. He told the guys he was swimming with that he was going to go back and check on the other two. He swam back to them, checked on them, and told them to swim ahead that he'd be following. They made it to an unexpected sandbar, turned around and Colin was gone. His picture has been my cover photo for a long time now. When we learned what happened, I was so broken for this mom and dad and I repeatedly asked God, "WHY???" in my prayers...I couldn't pray without asking...and it didn't seem that He was giving me the answer. I know God doesn't "cause" bad things to happen to those He loves, but He does allow them and the word promises that all things work together for the good of those who love Jesus. (Roman 8:28) (I know you know the verse, I just can't type it without the reference...seems wrong.) Dean and I decided to go to his mom and dad's church - just to offer support during that time. When we got there, we were shocked to see they had a HUGE group of friends well established in that church and they had a LOT of support. We were so amazed by the support the congregation showed them that we simply never left. It's been 2 years and 10 months since that time, and we're still there. Many months after we joined the church, God answered my prayer...my question, "why?" His answer to me was simply, "You...you were part of the reason, along with all of the hundreds maybe even thousands of people who'd seen how Colin lived, heard of his death, watched his parents remain faithful through it all, and came to know Christ because of it all." I know there's more...there's probably a lot more that God being God has done with that situation, that me being human, created to worship Him, doesn't understand and never will quite understand in this lifetime. The end all lesson that I've come to know is to place my faith in Roman 8:28 and let Him be God and me be me. After Colin's passing, I've seen God bless his family over and over and over again...with support, with love, with peace...they've been a real testimony of faith to our community. As the mom's now best friend, I've also see the daily struggle and heartbreak...I've watched as she's screamed at God in anger, and as she's been broken from the anger and literally been covered in His peace right before my eyes.

Check the references below, or Google “grief.”

REFERENCES:

Scott Peck – The Road Less Traveled – First two pages, especially. An excellent book with an emphasis on personal discipline. A great life guidepost.

Granger Westberg – Good Grief – a basic work, reprinted in 2010 on its 50^th anniversary. It's that good.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross – On Grief and Grieving – Her first book, On Death and Dying became a classic.

You may know others.

My blog on Counseling for Laity is intended for those lay folk that people talk to, but you may find help in the chapter on Grief. You will need to scroll down til you find it. I have begun work on changing it to an ebook, but until then:

http://aplj234.blogspot.com/

FAITH IS OF NO VALUE WHEN YOU FEEL SECURE.

Put your hand in the hand of the Man from Galilee.

Faith may appear as a flashlight, showing you where to take the next step.

FAITH IN THE DARK

Life is difficult.


But as soon as we accept that difficulty, life is no longer as difficult.


We keep expecting to turn a corner and find peace, but it's more like we fled from a lion only to meet a bear. For those who are into sports, there's always another game and another season. For most wives there's always another meal to cook, clothes to wash, and beds to make. Life throws up one problem or difficulty after another. We all know “This wasn't supposed to happen to ME” feeling. Sorry friend, but yeah – something of the sort happens to everybody. And when you accept that only occasionally do you get to call time out and float in peace on a calm lake, life gets better.


I have just quoted, paraphrased, and amplified the first two pagers of The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck. It's an older book, but I strongly recommend it, especially the first two pages that are worth the price of the book. (You may even be able to read those pages free on Amazon by clicking on the book picture and arrow that says “Look Inside.”)


Shelli asked me to deal with ways to fight life, darkness, doubt and somehow hang onto your faith. You know there are volumes written on that right? But fools rush in and so do I. Here's a summary of where I think I'm headed:


1 – Recognize you will always find trouble in life. Everyone does.
2 – It's okay to get upset and want to rebel. Bible heroes did.
3 – Remember what He has carried you through thus far.
4 – Find a safe person who will keep their mouth shut and talk about it .
5 – Take a look at some of the resources I will suggest.


It's OK to argue with God.


Yes, I know you have been taught otherwise. But the great saints of the faith are recorded arguing with the Lord to the point of sarcasm.


Moses – In Exodus 3 God comes to the shepherd in a burning bush, sounding excited about liberating his people. Moses throws up excuse after excuse which the Lord keeps swatting down. Finally Moses sarcastically points out that he was a stutterer and that hasn't changed since God started speaking to him fifteen minutes ago. God did start to sound peeved, but He didn't throw Moses away. He continued to work with him and created a great leader and deliverer.


Elijah – After that great prophet called down fire from heaven and executed all the prophets of Baal, he announced the coming of rain. But Queen Jezebel owned those prophets and sent Elijah a telegram to get out of town by sundown or his head would roll. This formerly bold prophet broke and ran for his life, not stopping until he fell exhausted. When God caught up with him and asked what he was doing there, he POUTED! “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm going to go eat worms.” Well, not really, but it might as well have been. “I've been faithful to you and done all you called me to do, now I'm the only one left, and they're trying to kill me.” Note that God did not chide him or discard him. He gave him food and let him rest. Then He gave Elijah a fresh experience of Himself and a fresh vision of his calling.


Job – If you've read the book, you recognize that the “patience of Job” is not true. It's a New Testament translation in the KJV that would be better expressed by the word “endurance.” He did endure and persevere, but he wasn't patient about it. He screamed at God repeatedly. Why did this happen to me? Show me my sin if I'm being punished for something. Kill me, and get me out of this misery. Vindicate me to my accusers and show them I'm innocent. The reader knows this was a test, but Job and his accusers never did. Indeed, the book was probably written to show that bad things do happen to good people. One explanation – the test – disproves the whole system that bad fortune was always payment for sin. But Job yells at God, begs Him, and doesn't let go until the Lord reveals Himself.


Note: All three of these guys argued with God and did not like their situation at all. Therefore we can argue with that same God and pour out before Him our complaints at what life is bringing us. No fear He will reject us. Rather dumping that emotion can free our minds to hear His direction.


Turning to a more positive direction, let's take a look at Paul in 2 Corinthians 11:


23 Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. 24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. 27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 28 Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.

When I read this, I wonder why I am griping. But often we do hurt, so what do we do about it? remember Paul has also been through almost unendurable circumstances. Let's look at some of how he handled it in Philippians 4:

...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Note Paul says “I have learned...” He learned. He learned from experience over time, not given it along with his salvation and mission. How did he learn? Look back at 2 Corinthians 11. I wonder how many times Paul doubted and wondered whether he was in the right place. Did you see the sleepless nights and sometimes lack of food? From where he stood years later (probably under house arrest in Rome, or maybe in Ephesus). He now looks back and sees that God brought him through, so Paul can now say he is ready for anything in Christ.

We like to quote “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” We quote it as a positive in tackling a task. It was written more for your situation as you hurt. It is as if Paul said, “I have learned the hard way that I can get through anything as long as I hang onto Christ.”

Paul fought his way through all this triumphantly, as have thousands of others. And so can you. If thousands of others have fought through trial and come out in triumph, so can you. It may take awhile, and you may feel as if you got through by the skin of your teeth, but you will get through.

Remember what you have already come through.

What have you already come through? You are close to an impossibility in your conception and birth. There is no one else like you. You are a miracle. You made it into this world at birth, and have come through multiple sicknesses, allergies, falls, and perhaps surgeries. You got through schools, got married, had kids. You have lost family and friends along the way. And you're still going. How many times along the way has God helped you and carried you through?

Remembering all of that as Paul did can call forth your faith. God has been with you all your life. Why would He stop now?

Share you experiences with someone.

I love the following that I have seen ascribed to several different people.

O the comfort, the inexpressible comfort

of feeling safe with a person,

having neither to weigh thoughts, nor measure words,

but pouring them all out

wheat and chaff together,

certain that a faithful hand will sift them,

keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness

blow the rest away.

This means choosing the right person, sometimes a trained professional counselor. Many times it means talking to a close friend who can keep their mouth shut. Someone you feel safe with – and are safe. Talking it out can break up the viciously spiraling thoughts spinning through your head. Instead of whirling around in one continuous circle, over time your emotions begin to back down and your thoughts open out to new ways of dealing with life. The feeling of acceptance and companionship can lessen the pain and replace it with love.

Theological questions

Shelli wrote me the following that kicked all this off:

Not long ago in our Sunday School class we discuss these following quotes from our lesson: "found it easier to believe their doubts and fears" and "held captive by the things we expect to happen to the point that we close our minds to any contrary evidence". I left wanting to hear more about these thoughts.

In response to a question she spoke of a relative's divorce and someone's friend who had cancer in her close family. Beneath this I hear them asking where is God in all this. How can I continue to trust Him with all this chaos breaking into my world?

Dorothy Sayers wrote a remarkable book called Creed or Chaos. In it she points out that if God is indeed guilty of allowing our troubles, “he at least had the courage to take his own medicine.” She meant He allowed His Son Jesus to die on the cross. Even before that, Jesus lived a complete human life in a third world country occupied by foreigners. Almost certainly his father Joseph died, and it's likely he lost other siblings in the typical family until the day of modern medicine of the last hundred years.

Many turn to this verse, Romans 8:28 for assurance.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Footnotes:

1. Romans 8:28 Or that all things work together for good to those who love God, who; or that in all things God works together with those who love him to bring about what is good—with those who
   

I include the note, because the Greek is ambiguous, and the last choice is my preferred choice. Paul is not saying that everything that happens is good. Obviously that's not true. It's obviously not true that everything always turns out for the best. For example, the world would be much better had the Holocaust never happened, had Hitler and Stalin and Saddam Hussein never risen to power. But Paul does say that nothing so bad can happen that God cannot re-shape it by His creative power for Good to emerge triumphant - good as defined by God. The supreme example is the Cross. By Christian theology no sin can be greater than the Crucifixion. Killing the Son of God. Essentially, saying God, get out of my life. I don't want you messing with me. I'd rather kill you than obey you - or even let you love and forgive me.

But God took that sin and transformed it through the resurrection into the greatest act in history – the salvation of the entire world! If God can do that, He can deal with my life and yours. He can take those tragedies, and over time transform them into many good things.

NOW SOME PRACTICAL ADVICE

Give it time. Time helps in healing.

Socialize your pain by talking with someone with whom you share mutual love and trust.

Talk to God about it. Read the above and recognize you don't have to play nice with Him. He's big enough to take it without striking you down.

>Make sure your pain doesn't mess up other people in your daily life. You must take care of your children and your spouse – or find someone else to do it while you take a break.

Exercise helps a lot of people, especially walking or jogging.

Get adequate sleep – maybe an extra hour.

NEWS FLASH

Read a column by a young nun based in Philadelphia, Colleen Gibson. She is writing about her experiences during Holy Week and along the way makes these observations that seem to me to fit in here:

“Faith is what we carry with us through the darkness; it burns brightly when we cannot see.”

She shares a special problem of hers this Holy Week: the desire to repeat the comfortable experience God gave her in prior years. Catholic or whatever, don't we all sometimes seek that and are disappointed when it does not come? Especially in darkness we wonder whether the light will ever shine for us again. Listen again to Sister Colleen:

“Nothing was as I expected or desired. I wanted what I already had and I realized, as the days rolled on, that was exactly what I wasn't going to get. This [Easter] would be different.

Then she quotes Raymond Carver “written as he teetered on the edge of death:

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved,
to feel myself
beloved in the earth.”
“God seemed to be inviting me beyond the constraints of my own knowing, beyond the bounds of the four walls of the church. All I needed to do was be free enough to receive the grace being given – to relinquish control and let God, in God's time, lead me through the mystery of these days.”

Can you see how this transfers to those times we walk in darkness and wonder how and why we can still believe? God can use those experience – awful as they are and not changing their awfulness – when tragedy and sorrow thrust us outside the box that has become out comfort zone. He can orient us out of our disorientation, and bring creation from our chaos.

Sister Gibson even puts in an a specific reference to the resurrection, which relates directly to the lesson and quotes that called forth Shelli's questions.

“I wonder how the disciples processed all that was going on. … that first morning when they arrived at the tomb, what did they believe? That the body had been taken or that Jesus had risen? What they faced was the unknown, the unbelievable transformed by belief.

That transformation is made by grace, one small movement at a time.”

AND A FACEBOOK FRIEND, WHOSE FAMILY I USED TO PASTOR made a comment about a loss in her community. I wrote he and sent her a copy of about half of this in first draft stage. Here is her reply:

This loss while sad, doesn't hit near as close to home as Colin's passing. He was 18, a friend of my son, Justin's, and I shot his senior portraits. We were just acquaintances with his mom and dad....they'd invited us to their church several times...we knew they went to a large church, and wasn't really interested in being part of a large church at the time. Colin was their youth music minister...he was headed to college to become a music minister as his vocation. The summer after graduation, he went away with 5 of his closest friends. It was a "guy" senior trip. They went to the lake...there was a small island across the lake and all of the boys decided to make the swim...of course the island seemed closer than what it actually was to them. They all made it to the island fine, but they had to swim back to shore. After a long rest, they set out....only this time, the waves were coming against them and there was a great deal of wind. Two of the boys started to fall behind - they were getting sick while they were swimming because they were taking on water. Colin noticed. He told the guys he was swimming with that he was going to go back and check on the other two. He swam back to them, checked on them, and told them to swim ahead that he'd be following. They made it to an unexpected sandbar, turned around and Colin was gone. His picture has been my cover photo for a long time now. When we learned what happened, I was so broken for this mom and dad and I repeatedly asked God, "WHY???" in my prayers...I couldn't pray without asking...and it didn't seem that He was giving me the answer. I know God doesn't "cause" bad things to happen to those He loves, but He does allow them and the word promises that all things work together for the good of those who love Jesus. (Roman 8:28) (I know you know the verse, I just can't type it without the reference...seems wrong.) Dean and I decided to go to his mom and dad's church - just to offer support during that time. When we got there, we were shocked to see they had a HUGE group of friends well established in that church and they had a LOT of support. We were so amazed by the support the congregation showed them that we simply never left. It's been 2 years and 10 months since that time, and we're still there. Many months after we joined the church, God answered my prayer...my question, "why?" His answer to me was simply, "You...you were part of the reason, along with all of the hundreds maybe even thousands of people who'd seen how Colin lived, heard of his death, watched his parents remain faithful through it all, and came to know Christ because of it all." I know there's more...there's probably a lot more that God being God has done with that situation, that me being human, created to worship Him, doesn't understand and never will quite understand in this lifetime. The end all lesson that I've come to know is to place my faith in Roman 8:28 and let Him be God and me be me. After Colin's passing, I've seen God bless his family over and over and over again...with support, with love, with peace...they've been a real testimony of faith to our community. As the mom's now best friend, I've also see the daily struggle and heartbreak...I've watched as she's screamed at God in anger, and as she's been broken from the anger and literally been covered in His peace right before my eyes.

Check the references below, or Google “grief.”

REFERENCES:

Scott Peck – The Road Less Traveled – First two pages, especially. An excellent book with an emphasis on personal discipline. A great life guidepost.

Granger Westberg – Good Grief – a basic work, reprinted in 2010 on its 50^th anniversary. It's that good.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross – On Grief and Grieving – Her first book, On Death and Dying became a classic.

You may know others.

My blog on Counseling for Laity is intended for those lay folk that people talk to, but you may find help in the chapter on Grief. You will need to scroll down til you find it. I have begun work on changing it to an ebook, but until then:

http://aplj234.blogspot.com/

FAITH IS OF NO VALUE WHEN YOU FEEL SECURE.

Put your hand in the hand of the Man from Galilee.

Faith may appear as a flashlight, showing you where to take the next step.

FAITH IN THE DARK

Life is difficult.


But as soon as we accept that difficulty, life is no longer as difficult.


We keep expecting to turn a corner and find peace, but it's more like we fled from a lion only to meet a bear. For those who are into sports, there's always another game and another season. For most wives there's always another meal to cook, clothes to wash, and beds to make. Life throws up one problem or difficulty after another. We all know “This wasn't supposed to happen to ME” feeling. Sorry friend, but yeah – something of the sort happens to everybody. And when you accept that only occasionally do you get to call time out and float in peace on a calm lake, life gets better.


I have just quoted, paraphrased, and amplified the first two pagers of The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck. It's an older book, but I strongly recommend it, especially the first two pages that are worth the price of the book. (You may even be able to read those pages free on Amazon by clicking on the book picture and arrow that says “Look Inside.”)


Shelli asked me to deal with ways to fight life, darkness, doubt and somehow hang onto your faith. You know there are volumes written on that right? But fools rush in and so do I. Here's a summary of where I think I'm headed:


1 – Recognize you will always find trouble in life. Everyone does.
2 – It's okay to get upset and want to rebel. Bible heroes did.
3 – Remember what He has carried you through thus far.
4 – Find a safe person who will keep their mouth shut and talk about it .
5 – Take a look at some of the resources I will suggest.


It's OK to argue with God.


Yes, I know you have been taught otherwise. But the great saints of the faith are recorded arguing with the Lord to the point of sarcasm.


Moses – In Exodus 3 God comes to the shepherd in a burning bush, sounding excited about liberating his people. Moses throws up excuse after excuse which the Lord keeps swatting down. Finally Moses sarcastically points out that he was a stutterer and that hasn't changed since God started speaking to him fifteen minutes ago. God did start to sound peeved, but He didn't throw Moses away. He continued to work with him and created a great leader and deliverer.


Elijah – After that great prophet called down fire from heaven and executed all the prophets of Baal, he announced the coming of rain. But Queen Jezebel owned those prophets and sent Elijah a telegram to get out of town by sundown or his head would roll. This formerly bold prophet broke and ran for his life, not stopping until he fell exhausted. When God caught up with him and asked what he was doing there, he POUTED! “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm going to go eat worms.” Well, not really, but it might as well have been. “I've been faithful to you and done all you called me to do, now I'm the only one left, and they're trying to kill me.” Note that God did not chide him or discard him. He gave him food and let him rest. Then He gave Elijah a fresh experience of Himself and a fresh vision of his calling.


Job – If you've read the book, you recognize that the “patience of Job” is not true. It's a New Testament translation in the KJV that would be better expressed by the word “endurance.” He did endure and persevere, but he wasn't patient about it. He screamed at God repeatedly. Why did this happen to me? Show me my sin if I'm being punished for something. Kill me, and get me out of this misery. Vindicate me to my accusers and show them I'm innocent. The reader knows this was a test, but Job and his accusers never did. Indeed, the book was probably written to show that bad things do happen to good people. One explanation – the test – disproves the whole system that bad fortune was always payment for sin. But Job yells at God, begs Him, and doesn't let go until the Lord reveals Himself.


Note: All three of these guys argued with God and did not like their situation at all. Therefore we can argue with that same God and pour out before Him our complaints at what life is bringing us. No fear He will reject us. Rather dumping that emotion can free our minds to hear His direction.


Turning to a more positive direction, let's take a look at Paul in 2 Corinthians 11:


23 Are they servants of Christ? (I am out of my mind to talk like this.) I am more. I have worked much harder, been in prison more frequently, been flogged more severely, and been exposed to death again and again. 24 Five times I received from the Jews the forty lashes minus one. 25 Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea, 26 I have been constantly on the move. I have been in danger from rivers, in danger from bandits, in danger from my fellow Jews, in danger from Gentiles; in danger in the city, in danger in the country, in danger at sea; and in danger from false believers. 27 I have labored and toiled and have often gone without sleep; I have known hunger and thirst and have often gone without food; I have been cold and naked. 28 Besides everything else, I face daily the pressure of my concern for all the churches.

When I read this, I wonder why I am griping. But often we do hurt, so what do we do about it? remember Paul has also been through almost unendurable circumstances. Let's look at some of how he handled it in Philippians 4:

...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Note Paul says “I have learned...” He learned. He learned from experience over time, not given it along with his salvation and mission. How did he learn? Look back at 2 Corinthians 11. I wonder how many times Paul doubted and wondered whether he was in the right place. Did you see the sleepless nights and sometimes lack of food? From where he stood years later (probably under house arrest in Rome, or maybe in Ephesus). He now looks back and sees that God brought him through, so Paul can now say he is ready for anything in Christ.

We like to quote “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” We quote it as a positive in tackling a task. It was written more for your situation as you hurt. It is as if Paul said, “I have learned the hard way that I can get through anything as long as I hang onto Christ.”

Paul fought his way through all this triumphantly, as have thousands of others. And so can you. If thousands of others have fought through trial and come out in triumph, so can you. It may take awhile, and you may feel as if you got through by the skin of your teeth, but you will get through.

Remember what you have already come through.

What have you already come through? You are close to an impossibility in your conception and birth. There is no one else like you. You are a miracle. You made it into this world at birth, and have come through multiple sicknesses, allergies, falls, and perhaps surgeries. You got through schools, got married, had kids. You have lost family and friends along the way. And you're still going. How many times along the way has God helped you and carried you through?

Remembering all of that as Paul did can call forth your faith. God has been with you all your life. Why would He stop now?

Share you experiences with someone.

I love the following that I have seen ascribed to several different people.

O the comfort, the inexpressible comfort

of feeling safe with a person,

having neither to weigh thoughts, nor measure words,

but pouring them all out

wheat and chaff together,

certain that a faithful hand will sift them,

keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness

blow the rest away.

This means choosing the right person, sometimes a trained professional counselor. Many times it means talking to a close friend who can keep their mouth shut. Someone you feel safe with – and are safe. Talking it out can break up the viciously spiraling thoughts spinning through your head. Instead of whirling around in one continuous circle, over time your emotions begin to back down and your thoughts open out to new ways of dealing with life. The feeling of acceptance and companionship can lessen the pain and replace it with love.

Theological questions

Shelli wrote me the following that kicked all this off:

Not long ago in our Sunday School class we discuss these following quotes from our lesson: "found it easier to believe their doubts and fears" and "held captive by the things we expect to happen to the point that we close our minds to any contrary evidence". I left wanting to hear more about these thoughts.

In response to a question she spoke of a relative's divorce and someone's friend who had cancer in her close family. Beneath this I hear them asking where is God in all this. How can I continue to trust Him with all this chaos breaking into my world?

Dorothy Sayers wrote a remarkable book called Creed or Chaos. In it she points out that if God is indeed guilty of allowing our troubles, “he at least had the courage to take his own medicine.” She meant He allowed His Son Jesus to die on the cross. Even before that, Jesus lived a complete human life in a third world country occupied by foreigners. Almost certainly his father Joseph died, and it's likely he lost other siblings in the typical family until the day of modern medicine of the last hundred years.

Many turn to this verse, Romans 8:28 for assurance.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Footnotes:

1. Romans 8:28 Or that all things work together for good to those who love God, who; or that in all things God works together with those who love him to bring about what is good—with those who
   

I include the note, because the Greek is ambiguous, and the last choice is my preferred choice. Paul is not saying that everything that happens is good. Obviously that's not true. It's obviously not true that everything always turns out for the best. For example, the world would be much better had the Holocaust never happened, had Hitler and Stalin and Saddam Hussein never risen to power. But Paul does say that nothing so bad can happen that God cannot re-shape it by His creative power for Good to emerge triumphant - good as defined by God. The supreme example is the Cross. By Christian theology no sin can be greater than the Crucifixion. Killing the Son of God. Essentially, saying God, get out of my life. I don't want you messing with me. I'd rather kill you than obey you - or even let you love and forgive me.

But God took that sin and transformed it through the resurrection into the greatest act in history – the salvation of the entire world! If God can do that, He can deal with my life and yours. He can take those tragedies, and over time transform them into many good things.

NOW SOME PRACTICAL ADVICE

Give it time. Time helps in healing.

Socialize your pain by talking with someone with whom you share mutual love and trust.

Talk to God about it. Read the above and recognize you don't have to play nice with Him. He's big enough to take it without striking you down.

>Make sure your pain doesn't mess up other people in your daily life. You must take care of your children and your spouse – or find someone else to do it while you take a break.

Exercise helps a lot of people, especially walking or jogging.

Get adequate sleep – maybe an extra hour.

NEWS FLASH

Read a column by a young nun based in Philadelphia, Colleen Gibson. She is writing about her experiences during Holy Week and along the way makes these observations that seem to me to fit in here:

“Faith is what we carry with us through the darkness; it burns brightly when we cannot see.”

She shares a special problem of hers this Holy Week: the desire to repeat the comfortable experience God gave her in prior years. Catholic or whatever, don't we all sometimes seek that and are disappointed when it does not come? Especially in darkness we wonder whether the light will ever shine for us again. Listen again to Sister Colleen:

“Nothing was as I expected or desired. I wanted what I already had and I realized, as the days rolled on, that was exactly what I wasn't going to get. This [Easter] would be different.

Then she quotes Raymond Carver “written as he teetered on the edge of death:

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved,
to feel myself
beloved in the earth.”
“God seemed to be inviting me beyond the constraints of my own knowing, beyond the bounds of the four walls of the church. All I needed to do was be free enough to receive the grace being given – to relinquish control and let God, in God's time, lead me through the mystery of these days.”

Can you see how this transfers to those times we walk in darkness and wonder how and why we can still believe? God can use those experience – awful as they are and not changing their awfulness – when tragedy and sorrow thrust us outside the box that has become out comfort zone. He can orient us out of our disorientation, and bring creation from our chaos.

Sister Gibson even puts in an a specific reference to the resurrection, which relates directly to the lesson and quotes that called forth Shelli's questions.

“I wonder how the disciples processed all that was going on. … that first morning when they arrived at the tomb, what did they believe? That the body had been taken or that Jesus had risen? What they faced was the unknown, the unbelievable transformed by belief.

That transformation is made by grace, one small movement at a time.”

AND A FACEBOOK FRIEND, WHOSE FAMILY I USED TO PASTOR made a comment about a loss in her community. I wrote he and sent her a copy of about half of this in first draft stage. Here is her reply:

This loss while sad, doesn't hit near as close to home as Colin's passing. He was 18, a friend of my son, Justin's, and I shot his senior portraits. We were just acquaintances with his mom and dad....they'd invited us to their church several times...we knew they went to a large church, and wasn't really interested in being part of a large church at the time. Colin was their youth music minister...he was headed to college to become a music minister as his vocation. The summer after graduation, he went away with 5 of his closest friends. It was a "guy" senior trip. They went to the lake...there was a small island across the lake and all of the boys decided to make the swim...of course the island seemed closer than what it actually was to them. They all made it to the island fine, but they had to swim back to shore. After a long rest, they set out....only this time, the waves were coming against them and there was a great deal of wind. Two of the boys started to fall behind - they were getting sick while they were swimming because they were taking on water. Colin noticed. He told the guys he was swimming with that he was going to go back and check on the other two. He swam back to them, checked on them, and told them to swim ahead that he'd be following. They made it to an unexpected sandbar, turned around and Colin was gone. His picture has been my cover photo for a long time now. When we learned what happened, I was so broken for this mom and dad and I repeatedly asked God, "WHY???" in my prayers...I couldn't pray without asking...and it didn't seem that He was giving me the answer. I know God doesn't "cause" bad things to happen to those He loves, but He does allow them and the word promises that all things work together for the good of those who love Jesus. (Roman 8:28) (I know you know the verse, I just can't type it without the reference...seems wrong.) Dean and I decided to go to his mom and dad's church - just to offer support during that time. When we got there, we were shocked to see they had a HUGE group of friends well established in that church and they had a LOT of support. We were so amazed by the support the congregation showed them that we simply never left. It's been 2 years and 10 months since that time, and we're still there. Many months after we joined the church, God answered my prayer...my question, "why?" His answer to me was simply, "You...you were part of the reason, along with all of the hundreds maybe even thousands of people who'd seen how Colin lived, heard of his death, watched his parents remain faithful through it all, and came to know Christ because of it all." I know there's more...there's probably a lot more that God being God has done with that situation, that me being human, created to worship Him, doesn't understand and never will quite understand in this lifetime. The end all lesson that I've come to know is to place my faith in Roman 8:28 and let Him be God and me be me. After Colin's passing, I've seen God bless his family over and over and over again...with support, with love, with peace...they've been a real testimony of faith to our community. As the mom's now best friend, I've also see the daily struggle and heartbreak...I've watched as she's screamed at God in anger, and as she's been broken from the anger and literally been covered in His peace right before my eyes.

Check the references below, or Google “grief.”

REFERENCES:

Scott Peck – The Road Less Traveled – First two pages, especially. An excellent book with an emphasis on personal discipline. A great life guidepost.

Granger Westberg – Good Grief – a basic work, reprinted in 2010 on its 50^th anniversary. It's that good.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross – On Grief and Grieving – Her first book, On Death and Dying became a classic.

You may know others.

My blog on Counseling for Laity is intended for those lay folk that people talk to, but you may find help in the chapter on Grief. You will need to scroll down til you find it. I have begun work on changing it to an ebook, but until then:

http://aplj234.blogspot.com/

FAITH IS OF NO VALUE WHEN YOU FEEL SECURE.

Put your hand in the hand of the Man from Galilee.

Faith may appear as a flashlight, showing you where to take the next step.